Two thousand, one hundred and fifty-six
Dec. 4th, 2005 10:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sevAfter nearly ninety days without a cigarette, why am I still crazy? Crazier, even?
This is the part that's supposed to happen a small number of days after quitting. The obsessive cleaning. My chest hurts. I want to crawl under the bed and not come out. I fidget, all the time. Rage is just around the corner; I can see it if I just sit still for a moment (which, granted, is very difficult right now). Tears sneak up behind me and all of a sudden it's hard to concentrate on anything other than not crying. I want to hit something, but I don't really know what. Physical exertion exhausts me in a matter of minutes, which sends my mood straight into "bleak," but I can't sit still. Everything tastes funny because everything smells funny.
After nearly three months this stuff is supposed to be getting better, not worse.
Livejournal has become a little dangerous, because people keep talking about their "filters". And I remember what a joy it was, smoking unfiltered cloves in new york city, over ten years ago, not too long after I started smoking. Of course, everything else has become a little dangerous, too, because my subconscious can turn just about *anything* into something about my own pathetic struggle. It's no wonder I'm feeling the urge to take anything, everything personally.
My hand still hurts from pounding it on the floor last time I felt like the crazy was getting worse. I'm not ready to do that again.
This is so fucking stupid.
This is the part that's supposed to happen a small number of days after quitting. The obsessive cleaning. My chest hurts. I want to crawl under the bed and not come out. I fidget, all the time. Rage is just around the corner; I can see it if I just sit still for a moment (which, granted, is very difficult right now). Tears sneak up behind me and all of a sudden it's hard to concentrate on anything other than not crying. I want to hit something, but I don't really know what. Physical exertion exhausts me in a matter of minutes, which sends my mood straight into "bleak," but I can't sit still. Everything tastes funny because everything smells funny.After nearly three months this stuff is supposed to be getting better, not worse.
Livejournal has become a little dangerous, because people keep talking about their "filters". And I remember what a joy it was, smoking unfiltered cloves in new york city, over ten years ago, not too long after I started smoking. Of course, everything else has become a little dangerous, too, because my subconscious can turn just about *anything* into something about my own pathetic struggle. It's no wonder I'm feeling the urge to take anything, everything personally.My hand still hurts from pounding it on the floor last time I felt like the crazy was getting worse. I'm not ready to do that again.
This is so fucking stupid.
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no subject
on 2005-12-05 01:33 pm (UTC)SEV, if things in general are busy and focussed on life events, you may be getting less of a variety of things you need to stay balanced, and your body recognizes nicotine as the most obvious solution. Just a thought - you've posted some musings that resonated with me on that front in the past.
no subject
on 2005-12-05 02:52 pm (UTC)And that really, really helps. For about three days.
Too bad that simple cardiovascular exercise doesn't get me there. *grumble*
no subject
on 2005-12-05 03:01 pm (UTC)Weightlifting does it for me faster and more effectively than anything else. Too bad it's also one of the easier exercise forms to slack at if you're in a slacking mood, and one of the more expensive ones to set up at home. :/
Yay on helpful adrenaline and endorphins though! :)