Two thousand, one hundred and fifty-six

[sev]

After nearly ninety days without a cigarette, why am I still crazy? Crazier, even?

This is the part that's supposed to happen a small number of days after quitting. The obsessive cleaning. My chest hurts. I want to crawl under the bed and not come out. I fidget, all the time. Rage is just around the corner; I can see it if I just sit still for a moment (which, granted, is very difficult right now). Tears sneak up behind me and all of a sudden it's hard to concentrate on anything other than not crying. I want to hit something, but I don't really know what. Physical exertion exhausts me in a matter of minutes, which sends my mood straight into "bleak," but I can't sit still. Everything tastes funny because everything smells funny.

After nearly three months this stuff is supposed to be getting better, not worse.

Livejournal has become a little dangerous, because people keep talking about their "filters". And I remember what a joy it was, smoking unfiltered cloves in new york city, over ten years ago, not too long after I started smoking. Of course, everything else has become a little dangerous, too, because my subconscious can turn just about *anything* into something about my own pathetic struggle. It's no wonder I'm feeling the urge to take anything, everything personally.

My hand still hurts from pounding it on the floor last time I felt like the crazy was getting worse. I'm not ready to do that again.

This is so fucking stupid.

Comments

[envoy.livejournal.com]

Not everyone goes through the same process. I'd try to make some pithy comment here about how this just means you're special, but um. you know.

Sorry it's tough though, if it's any consolation it seems they way the world is turning, even in London it's starting to go that way. It's probably a good decade away but still.

On the other hand, hopefully this will give you more time to stick around and maybe make it over here for a visit. ;-)

[sev]

nor is the process the same each time, even for the same person.

Feh. I can't say for sure that it was easier last time, but ... at least last time, it had started getting better by now. Though it may really have started out worse.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

And so fucking hard.

Um, hang in there!? (Now I'm getting kitten-over-a-fish-bowl images; does that help?)

[sev]

*squeak* *giggle* *sniffle*

yeah. That helps. Got a dumb smile on my face, now. :)

[macabre0.livejournal.com]

You're doing great, Sev. Keep eating the chocolate, pounding the walls and putting one foot in front of the other as needed. Your body is trying to clear itself out and you've every right to be frustrated. You are one of the strongest women I know and it's tough to hear that you're having such a tough ride. If I can provide a punching bag or a box full of distraction toys to help, let me know. *hug*

My mum quit smoking after 25 years of smoking and ended up with 5 years of this terrible asthmatic reaction to the air while her body cleared out the toxins from her body. She's fine now, but it was a tough haul during that time. You are making the steps needed to get to that place of being fine too, but the journey can suck. :^(

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

Hmmm ... it might be worthwhile to talk to your doctor, if you haven't already. It's possible most/all of this nastiness is being caused by something else.

If it is still the withdrawal/detoxing, it might help to take some nettle (lung support) and/or turmeric (helps the body to detox, among many other things) for several weeks, or to do a full fasting detox for a week or so. If you do take turmeric, don't take it on an empty stomach; it causes your liver to produce more bile than normal.

*hugs offered* I'm sorry this whole process is sucking so badly for you.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Herm. I want to throw this out as a very vague possibility... not as something you should necessarily take seriously, but something that maybe should percolate in the back of your brain, to eventually be completely discarded, or considered more carefully.

You're describing how I (and I have ADHD) feel when I'm in a crappy situation and am not taking stimulants. Nicotine is a stimulant.

I'm not saying you have ADHD... but maybe you're having a similar kind of effect.

Because of how you feel and what you describe, I wonder if Zyban might be a good idea for you. Zyban is Wellbutrin, which helps folks with ADHD sometimes, and increases some of the same neurotransmitters that nicotine does. It might help... at least, if you tend to feel better than this when smoking.

[mothball-07.livejournal.com]

HUH! Interesting... I'm a hunter too, and I tend to feel pretty miserable if I'm not getting sufficient adrenaline or artificial stimulants. I've found other ways to get those - motorcycles, extreme cooking, play...

SEV, if things in general are busy and focussed on life events, you may be getting less of a variety of things you need to stay balanced, and your body recognizes nicotine as the most obvious solution. Just a thought - you've posted some musings that resonated with me on that front in the past.

[sev]

I've been getting some of the helpful adrenline and endorphins, actually. (YAY!) Much to my surprise; you'd think none of us would have the energy.

And that really, really helps. For about three days.

Too bad that simple cardiovascular exercise doesn't get me there. *grumble*

[mothball-07.livejournal.com]

Too bad that simple cardiovascular exercise doesn't get me there. *grumble*

Weightlifting does it for me faster and more effectively than anything else. Too bad it's also one of the easier exercise forms to slack at if you're in a slacking mood, and one of the more expensive ones to set up at home. :/

Yay on helpful adrenaline and endorphins though! :)

[sev]

Heh. Yes. You are describing a line of inquiry I've already travelled, and successfully, even.

I went on Wellbutrin shortly after I started my second attempt at quitting smoking, and haven't been off it since. This is my third attempt at quitting smoking. That two-or-so years of both smoking *and* being on wellbutrin at the same time were *heavenly*.

There are similarities between how I feel now and how I'd periodically feel while I was still smoking but before I was on Wellbutrin. Too bad I'm already past the max recommended dosage; while some neurological drugs are mostly-safe at higher dosages, Wellbutrin lowers the seizure threshold, so I won't be upping my dose.

I'm currently pouting because none of the stimulants currently available to me have a similar stimulation pattern as nicotine.