smoldering

(I've discovered that one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately is that I have too much to say, and it tries to come out all at once, and gets all stopped up by the linear-ality of things.  Here, have a bitty-esque dump, for now, and I'll pretend that it matters that I have essay-sized commentary for each thing, that's not going to get written anyhow, but I'll feel better having said *something*.)

---

How broken does broken have to be before it's (officially?) broken?  The 'r' key on my keyboard works most of the time, but fails to work often enough that I've noticed.  My laptop has one of those  extended-warranty thingies, so I should really just go ahead and have the keyboard replaced.

---

Do you ever find yourself feeling snarly about something, with half of the antipathy directed at somebody, and the other half directed at yourself -- for falling for it, participating in it, letting someone get away with it, happening to be there for it to be pointed at you, whatever?  I have a hell of a time letting go of that sort of thing.

I have this changing table... how I ended up in the fancy-schmancy store is a slightly long and unneccesary story, but anyway.  I'd chosen a crib and was picking out a "changing table" to match.  This store's version of "changing tables" was a dresser with some kind of thingy bolted to the top, so you could, when the child was older, unbolt the thingy and have a nice dresser.  I was finding that the ones on display were awfully tall for actually changing a baby on, and so my decision ended up entirely driven by the height of the dresser -- this is the shortest one they had.

Then when I went to choose the thingy to bolt on top, the owner of the store told me that they were only making the one kind, anymore --  the especially extra-tall kind.  People like it better because it's more ergonomic.  I questioned her on that at least twice -- how can it be ergonomic for it to be eight inches higher?  It's taller than my kitchen counter.  I'm an average-height person.  What makes it ergonomic?  But she would just repeat herself, as if I were deaf or stupid:  It's *More* *Ergonomic*.

And now, a year later, I hate the damn thing.  It's too fucking tall. It's designed stupidly with stupid fiddly unenecessary parts and features that don't make any sense.  It's got a nonstandard pad that no cover I've ever seen fits on.  It doesn't come apart, except to get unbolted entirely from the dresser.

It's not ergonomic.  People prefer it to the smaller one because it's *bigger*, and they put up with the stupid height because otherwise the surface of the dresser isn't big enough to really change the baby.  And I'm still annoyed that now I have this *thing*.  And I feel stupid that I let somebody talk me out of my doubts (that's the worst part of it, I think.)

Z insists some day I'll be happy that we will have a pretty dresser. I'm sure that's true.  On some level I'm already happy to have a pretty dresser. In the meantime, I'm going to have to get used to turning the baby sideways to change her, or figure out some way to make the surface bigger without making it taller.  Or put the contoured changing pad we've got across the dresser and just let it jut out over the side and hope that stays put.  And feel guilty about throwing away this expensive piece of stupid.

And sure, plenty of people just change their baby on the floor. Me, I manage to forget that I've got nerve damage in one knee...until I try to do something stupid like change the baby on the floor.

---

Also in the stupid-design category:  The Big Button that comes with the mobile so you can turn it off from a distance rather than approach the crib and wake the baby.  But --  it *clicks*.  Loudly.  And it's IR, so it has to be in line-of-sight.  Um, thanks, if I'm going to make a loud clicky noise I might as well just walk over and use the quiet controls on the mobile itself.  Sheesh!

---

more in a bit, on the theory that long random ramblings don't get read....

more, as promised.

Been playing a bit of Wold of Warcraft, largely because it's one of a handful of things I can do while nursing the baby -- mouse-only.   Playing a MMPORPG and not being able to type to the other players is kind of pathetic, though.  And it's not like I'm ever going to have the time to do the end-game raiding stuff.  Which is what my gamer friends talk about and get excited about.

---

Knit a baby hat mostly from the Knitty.com Miss Dashwood pattern.   It matches the sweater I made.  I adjusted the crown to make it more like a bucket-hat instead of a beanie...at least, made it with a flat top instead of round.  And screwed up the math either in the plans I made or in my execution of them, because instead of a regular octagon, it's longish and narrower on one end (because I stopped decreasing too late, clearly).  I think that particular aspect looks kind of dumb, but fortunately, it's somewhat subtle.  All in all, a cute hat.  And I know how to *fix* the problem, but I'm not sure I want to bother.  Kind of bored with the hat.  Maybe more bored than embarassed, which suggests I shouldn't bother changing it.

---

Raising a child is meaningful to me.  It is not necessarily fulfilling.  The difference is important.

---

So much pretty yarn, so little ability to actually pick a pattern and start knitting something.

---

Recipe for crazy-making:  Becoming convinced that I have to choose between getting sleep and getting me-time.

---

Recipe 2 for crazy-making: People who say, "Well, you're the one who decided to have a kid" but claim that they want to be "supportive".   There's lots of reasons that's a cop-out comment; here's one. 

I'd write my own take on it but Z just walked in with the baby and, as expected, as soon as she saw me she started crying for me.   So, hands about to be come very busy with baby; no more typing.