(no subject)

[sev]

xiphias has been noodling on the question that's been wandering around: If you could get one "do-over"— that is, if you could go back in time and change one decision or action you've ever made, what would it be? He recently posted an answer which started me thinking.

This started out as a comment-reply to his post, but as I try not to whine in other people's journals, I thought I'd put it here instead.

This post has turned out to be pretty cryptic, since I'm not actually admitting what my one change would be. Suffice to say that I did a thing that some people would consider perfectly normal, and some people would consider stupidly reckless. It's a thing I did more than once, and only once did it coincide with someone else's misbehavior. And only that once did it turn out bad for me, and seems to have been without consequences for the someone else. If I could change a thing, I'm pretty sure I'd go back and not do that one thing, that once.

anyway. follows is the thing I started composing in response to xiphias's post:

I wonder what percentage of answers to this question are along the lines of "I wouldn't have done this thing that resulted in a permanent change to my body"? My answer would be something like that, too. and "I wish I'd not done this thing where the consequences that one time turned out to be way more significant than the small risk I took," too. But I wouldn't have changed all the other times I did the same thing but didn't suffer negative consequences. I'm not *that* much of a risk-taker and I don't think I was reckless, even then. As objectively as I can be, I think I was *mostly* just unlucky, and only a little foolish.

There are some cases in which the learning acquired does not outweigh the physical consequences, and I don't think unhealable physical problems are a good trade for learning some of these small lessons the hard way. :(

There's a philosophy that says bad experiences are the universe trying to teach us something. I don't know what the universe was trying to teach me at the time -- don't trust people in the dark, because you'll never know what they might be doing?

I try to look on the bright side and figure this has taught me some things.

The incident itself taught me to be wary when someone agrees-but-reluctantly. What if they're lying about that agreement? But on the other hand, sometimes people *do* make compromises for me. I still dn't know how to tell the difference. So, did I just learn to be paranoid? I dunno. Ten years later, I recognize that there's nuance that I still don't have a good handle on; I recognize that there's a value judgement to be made, and not just a rule that says "don't trust reluctant agreement." Ask me again when I'm forty; perhaps then I'll be able to say I actually know how to *make* that value judgement.

Dealing with the consequences has probably taught me some quantity of compassion. We're all only temporarily able-bodied, and is it fair for me to resent that I'm even less-so than I was when I started? Everybody's body gains foibles eventually, and some people are even born with them. The ones I was born with, I can manage. The one that I helped inflict on myself ten years ago, I keep thinking I could have avoided. If I had refrained, that one time that I did something that had never been a problem before. But it's kind of not fair to beat myself up for not being prescient.

Since the bad thing involves another person's misbehavior, I'd just not do that thing that one time at all. There's some part of me that believes the answer should instead be, "I'd do that thing slightly differently, so I could have objected to the other person's antisocial behavior instead of not know it was happening until it was too late," but, not being prescient, how do I know that person wouldn't have done something worse? It's nice to think I can go back and give my twenty-year-old self an opportunity to stand up for herself, but that could backfire. Of course, if I'm going down the what-if path, how do I know that choosing to skip an activity that had been positive for me in the past wouldn't have started a long bad habit of self-denial?

Sheesh. Second-guessing myself is lame. I did this thing, and that other person did that thing, and after ten years I can say that the results still suck, but my life is not over and while I'm a little less carefree than I would have been otherwise, I think I've for the most part convinced myself that things could have been worse.

"Things could have been worse." As mottos go, that's probably worse than "We make do," which is also true not just for me, but for the women in my family in general. Life gives us lemons, we cope. Which isn't as glamorous as lemonade, but it's easier to do on a regular basis.