reminder #452...

[sev]

...that if I leave someone with a task and leave town, it will still be undone when I return. (or often even if I stay in town but stop micromanaging, but that at least is *sometimes* not the case. The 'leave town' failure rate is currently at 100%.)

People keep telling me I need to learn to accept help because I don't have the time or the skills to do everything myself, but given the "rewards" I'm getting for trying, why would I learn this thing? Why would I want to?

After a year and a half of accepting various people's offers to take on the project of the "getting a screen door installed in the kitchen", I'm finally giving up and retaking ownership of this myself.

You'd think that with five people in this house, *somebody* would have gotten around to doing it after they *volunteered to take the problem off my hands*. It's not like I didn't provide Very Specific Instructions each time somebody announced they were stuck.

Sheesh.

I've heard of "if you want it done right, do it yourself" but in my life it appears to be, "if you want it completed at all, do it yourself." It used to be that I said I needed to learn to delegate. My new goal is to learn to delegate much smaller things. And perhaps to find someone in my life who 1. has the time to help with things and 2. *isn't* a flake.

(No, this is not at all directed at you, housemate-who-reads-this. You live here but you're not here often enough for me to expect you to install a screen door. :)

Comments

[malte.livejournal.com]

Maybe if you redefine this 'failure' thing as something other than 'not EXACTLY the way I feel it HAS to be done'?

/malte, sticking his neck out

[sev]

There is no way that "can't close it, can't use it" qualifies as a successful screen door. We have a flappy thing hanging off the back of our house that, if it had been windy over the last few weeks, would have already turned into a pile of kindling.

Okay, I've exaggerated. We can use it. If I walk out the back door, find something heavy to wedge it shut with, go in another door, and then are willing to accept not being able to go out that door again until I go out another door and remove the heavy thing, then it's a "successful screen door", but that's really a stretch. I don't think my standards are too high here.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry you're in that situation. It can hurt a lot, in a lot of different ways. It's wearing to try to do everything yourself, and people who aren't as helpful as you need/expect can strain friendships, or spark resentment, or start that icky insecure pattern of trying to second-guess oneself.

I've been lucky enough to find people I can rely on, in recent years. I'm not sure how much of that is just a matter of connecting with more reliable people, and how much is figuring out what *sorts* of things I can rely on a particular person for. Like the friend who is perfect for all kinds of support in a crisis, the one I want to take me to the ER and advocate for me when such things need to be done...who tends to let everything slide if it isn't a crisis. Or the lover I trust with my secrets and my body, but not my car. Or the wonderful person who can be staggeringly helpful, but only if he gets *immediate* feedback and reinforcement. (He's useless with e-mail, but a great friend in person and over the phone, for instance.)

[sev]

[ I'm really sorry you're in that situation. It can hurt a lot, in a lot of different ways. It's wearing to try to do everything yourself, and people who aren't as helpful as you need/expect can strain friendships, or spark resentment, or start that icky insecure pattern of trying to second-guess oneself. ]

Thanks. I can at least say that I'm less-often taking it personally. It used to really throw me for a loop.

[ I've been lucky enough to find people I can rely on, in recent years. I'm not sure how much of that is just a matter of connecting with more reliable people, and how much is figuring out what *sorts* of things I can rely on a particular person for. ]

I think both of these things are important. The former is happening more and more as I get older. The latter I'm still struggling with...I keep thinking I've got it figured out, and then I go and stumble, again. Or they stumble, depending on your perspective. :)